Even the bravest of them all cry. In their moments of weakness they lie down and weep.
A man's ego is like a rock. Dumbfounded, I sat there and watched, as his shoulder moved up and down. He had his back to me so that I could not look at him in the face.
I touched him and told him that it was going to alright. That we were going to be together forever and we will find away through our problems. I was met by his cries, louder this time, and I lay there and cried with him.
It was a Thursday evening.
I had called him; I wanted to know if he had been to the doctor’s appointment, to get his results. His voice was jolly and happy as usual, he said, “honey, I am on my way there, I am sure everything is fine and will call you as soon as I am through”
With that I took off, went to my house, waiting to hear from the man I had loved for three years now. In my heart I was happy, because I knew that eventually our plans to get married were becoming real, and that I was going to be his forever. Finally he was going to be my life partner because I loved him with all my heart and soul.
Tick tock, time went by. I started getting worried. He had taken so long to call me. Maybe he had gone to be with his friends and forgot to call me, I thought. I gave him time. Then the text message came in. “hey hon, today it’s final, I will never be able to have babies, and this is the cruelest thing ever………”
Ohh no, I cried. I felt like someone had died. Ooh it couldn't be true. I read and reread the message, my heart beat so fast. Why I asked, why us, why now? There was no one to answer.
I remembered how we used to joke about the baby issues. We could do it all the time. We could say that if our babies came, he would be the good cop, and I would be the bad one because he felt I was too strict.
I remembered all the talks we had ever had about our babies. He loves babies. ooh he loves even the dirtiest babies. He picks them up and mellows when he holds them, and equally babies love him, they do not even squirm when he holds them.
I have watched the bond he has had with people’s babies, and in my heart I kept thanking God that I have a good man who will love my babies to death.
That dream was shattered.
I called for a taxi and went to see my devastated man. When he opened the door, he could not look me in the face. He was swollen all over from crying too much. I locked the door and followed him inside to the bedroom. He lay there and cried some more, I held him, not saying a word.
I did not know what to say. What could I say? That night we slept in each others arms, I held him so close. I wanted to feel him, and share in his pain.
Early that morning, he woke up early, left me in bed. He just sat there in the living room, staring into the empty space. My heart broke for him, and I went to him. Knelt by his side, and hugged him,but he did not hug me back. I told him that we would face this, no matter what, that we are both in it together. He turned, looked at me, and said, “Honey, I know I have lost you, it’s just a matter of time, what will u do with a useless man like me?”
And that’s the last I saw of him, or heard from him. He refused to pick my calls, he even refused to see me, that drove me insane…Today I ask myself, if he really loved me, did he want me to be his wife. Are babies the only thing to a marriage? I was ready to be in it, with my all; so long as he was in the same boat.
Was he selfish? Or was it for my own good? Or am I being the selfish one? How can men be made to cope with infertility?
Ends
