By Waguma Judy
Lillian Atieno, a 33 year old mother of one, has a lot to say about herself, as a single mother, jobless, a trauma survivor and a woman living with HIV/Aids.
Diagnosed with the HIV virus in 2006, Lillian says that she has lived a life full of loneliness, guilt and bitterness.
Lillian learnt of her status, when her boyfriend for three years had just proposed.
“We were ready to move to the next step with my boyfriend, he wanted to marry me and I wanted the same for us.
For him, having protected sex, yet were to get married did not auger well, but I refused insisting that we have the HIV test first.
This issue of taking the test brought friction between us, he argued that he trusted me and therefore there was no reason for us to take the test.
But that was not the point, I wanted to start on a clean slate, and there was this constant conviction in me to take the test, and I believed it was ideal before we got married.
Had I known that the test would turn positive, maybe I would not have taken it, but all said and done, I am glad that we took it.
At first I could not believe it, I run further tests in different hospitals, but the results were the same, its then that I got convinced that my life will always be full of bad lucks.
Slowly, I went back to the memory lane of my life, I had taken good care of myself, and I could not understand how, my boyfriend had turned negative, but that’s because we had never engaged in unprotected sex.
Being the third born in a family of five, two brothers and two sisters, my dad had passed on when I was still very young, in Form three; I got pregnant with my son, Job, a teenage boy now.
The circumstances that led to my status began in 2004, December, I had gone to visit my first born sister in Kericho, I stayed there for a while, but come the 29th of the same month my other sister in Kisumu called and wanted me to visit her for the new year celebrations.
Since Kisumu, is not far from Kericho, I took my time preparing to go, as time dragged on, my eldest sister advised me to just stay.
Despite all this, come 5 o’clock that evening, I traveled, when I arrived in Kisumu, my sister and her husband decided we go out and have fun, when she told me there was a friend of theirs they wanted me to meet.
Immediately the guy got there I hated him, I did not like him at all, and in fact I even told my sister about my feelings, there was this thing about him that was not right.
At that point we were drinking, spirits , beer and mixing alcohol, we had lots of fun until the wee hours of morning.
We parted ways with the guy but agreed that we would meet the next day. The guy was so persistent, he came to my sister’s place very early in the morning, actually a few hours after we had parted, asking if he could take me out for lunch.
But my sister knowing how I felt about the guy, came to my rescue, and asked him to leave me to rest and we would meet again in the evening and have fun together. He agreed reluctantly but left anyway.
Come the evening, which was 30th, everyone was in the mood for closing the year, people were making merry all over the town, and we were not left behind either.
I was not in a very cheery mood, so I did not indulge my self in a lot of drinking, but my sister and the husband together with this guy really had fun, she was so drunk.
We went back home at around three in the morning, in the process my brother-in-law’s car broke down.
This guy, offered to drive us home in his car, at that moment, I was feeling so drunk, that worried me because I had not really drunk a lot, but I was not scared because I was in my sisters company, and therefore nothing could happen to me, so I thought.
I can barely remember the drive home, because I think I had passed out on our way home, I only came to my senses in the morning.
But something was totally a miss, my pants were down, my biker was also down, and I was still in the car, right in front of my sister’s house.
And the door leading to the house was also wide open, my head was throbbing, I had no idea why I was still in this guy’s car, my sister was not with me, neither was her husband, but sitting next to me was the one and only man I had hated so much before.
I had no idea what he had done to me, but it was a bit obvious, considering the state I was in, I turned round and asked him what he had done to me, and he went on to tell me that I was so sweet he just had to do it.
That he loved me so much, and could not just resist having me. I still could not understand this man at all; I kept throwing questions at him, why couldn't’t you even use a condom, why did you rape me?
It was no use asking those questions, the damage had already been done, I wore my pants and slowly went into the house, my sister who had woken up at that time was surprised to see me, to her, she thought we had both gotten in at the same time they did, but she was too drunk to remember anything.
Oscar, the guy who had just raped me, jumped into the conversation and told her that we had just come in as we had gone to spend the night somewhere else.
I couldn't’t say anything, I was feeling so embarrassed, I kept thinking of how my sister could take me once she learned what had happened, I could not just let her know, besides I knew that that would never happen again.
Even Though I did not want to conceal my situation, something was obviously wrong with me, I was in pain, my vagina was burning, I felt like I had cuts down there, and when I went to the toilet there was this burning sensation.
I brushed it off, thinking that probably it was because he had pushed his way into me; still the pain could not go away.
On the 1st of 2005, I traveled back to my sister’s place in Kericho, the pain was now too much, my lower abdomen was in fire, I had to tell someone about it, and so I decided to talk to my eldest sister.
She took me to hospital, but she insisted she had to give the guy a piece of her mind, we called my other sister in Kisumu who further called the guy to ask him why he raped me, but he denied everything.
At the hospital, the doctors found that I had been infected with Gonorrhea, I was given treatment, and the doctor further suggested that under the circumstances that I had gone through, I needed to go for an HIV test before it was too late.
Though the 72 hours had passed, the doctor suggested I needed to be sure that I was clean of any other virus, but I brushed it off, I convinced myself there was no way I could contract HIV.
I did not go for a test.
During all this time I had a boyfriend who supported me all the way; he was always with me, a shoulder to lean on, he helped me move towns just as I had been transferred.
We were so committed to each other, but we were practicing safe sex, he could come over to visit and counsel me.
During one such visit, my boyfriend proposed to me, he wanted us to move to the next level, he wanted to marry me, make me his wife, and so he started the arrangements.
First in the list was to stop using protection on me, and then he wanted to visit my parents.
But at the mention of this my heart skipped, I don’t know why, but I asked him to let us go for an HIV test first before we do anything.
That surprised him, he argued that he trusted me and he thought that I trusted him in return, and there was no need for us to do a test, but after so much said, he agreed to accompany me to a voluntary counselling center (VCT).
This was all in 2006, the month of April, the counselor told as all that we should expect once he had done the test. My boyfriend was the first to be tested, his results were negative, then I was next, as we waited, my heart was literally in my mouth.
The lines were three, a conviction that I was HIV positive, I was shocked, my head was going in circles, It couldn't be, how ,yet I have been taking care of myself all this years?
I had to do another test; I just had to confirm if I was really positive, and so I did another test, the results were the same, I was HIV positive.
To make it worse, the company I was working for had closed down, I was now jobless, with a new condition, and my son, he was my biggest worry, I gave birth while in form three, but my eldest sister was taking care of him.
My boyfriend stayed with me, he gave me support, and even continued to have sex with me, but using a condom.
Though the risks were still high, I wanted him to move on with his life, but he stayed on, one day as we were having sex, the condom broke and he had to be put on PEP for close to one month.
I think the risks became a reality to him at that time, and also I think he just wanted to make sure I did not do anything stupid, so slowly he pulled away until I never had from him again.
I sought answers from another hospital, I went to Aga khan hospital to get tested again; I thought that something could happen to change my status; I could not believe it when even there the results were the same.
Therefore I decided to run tests to make sure that other my organs were fine, and I was functioning well. I spent all the money I had saved doing various tests at the hospital, and they were damn expensive, they did not even sympathize with me even after the doctors knew that I was jobless.
At the end of it all I am glad that I run those tests, because now I know, my other organs are fine, though I have not started taking any ARV, or therapies.
I never told any of my family members, not even my sisters know, the one staying in Kisumu later died, and the husband confided in me that she died of HIV related diseases, even then, I did not convey my status.
I believe that they are still ignorant of HIV and I fear being discriminated upon, besides I don’t have a job, and I would hate the situation whereby they will be forced to take care of me.
So I am waiting to get a job, then I will disclose my status to them. The hardest part, I think will be talking to my son, he is the reason why I live everyday, I have tried so many bad things to end my life, but the thought of him makes me stop on my tracks.
Although sometimes I think that I partly contributed to my situation, I believe that God has a way, and I have stopped drinking alcohol.
Ends
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